This is the second part of my conversation with writer and dancer Michelle Cole
Hi Michelle. Welcome to the Cultural Creatives blog. Can you tell me a bit about yourself?
I am an Alternative Religion writer for the Examiner. I am a 41 year old woman who discovered in my early 20′s that all my beliefs about life/death and all things in-between fit the description of Pagan in a book by Starhawk called the Spiral Dance. This book had such an impact on me, I named my second horse, who was 4 months old and not yet named, Spiral Dancer (she’s 15 now).
Do you feel that you are a cultural creative?
Based upon what I read here, I would have to say I fit the bill. I never knew what I “was” until I read Heart of the Fire, about a woman’s past life account in 17th century Scotland, where she is eventually tortured as a Witch. It felt like “home” and I didn’t know why but I wanted more. I saw her credit to Starhawk and mention of the Spiral Dance, so I ordered it. Upon reading the Spiral Dance, I went “OH! I’m PAGAN!!” I was so excited, especially when she describes how common it is for pagan minded people to not ‘know’ what to call themselves for a chunk of their lives. That was me! However, I’ve never been comfortable referring to my spirituality as “Wiccan”, and I am more comfortable with Ritual by myself (although I’m working towards changing that).
I had a friend who called me a Natural Witch, she said I listen to my intuition and follow it, which can be rare. I feel this overwhelming frustration sometimes at the fear based ignorance that drives people to do the things they do to other humans, and with complete disregard to our environment and for our Animal brethren they live their life as if THEY are the only thing that really matters, next to their possessions. It is my personal theory that you know something is right when you don’t know what to call it until you find a group of like-minded people who have ‘named’ those feelings, and instead of being ‘converted’, you simply discover where you feel at home.
I started writing stories when I was young, mostly about talking horses and cats that would follow me home. I spent hours drawing my model horses, and I still can draw a decent “stray cat” logo. LOL In high school a friend and I started writing ‘stories’ to entertain ourselves during class. We also drew cartoons-these stories and cartoon strips were all about us and our lives with the Stray Cats. They showed up at school for a concert, took one look at us and went “Hey, you should come tour with us” and we did, and of course we ended up marrying Brian and Lee.
My mother taught me how to crochet, knit, macrame and sew as a youngster, and to this day I still enjoy knitting, sewing, and while I don’t remember the knot tying art of macrame, I can crochet if I put my mind to it! I am currently working on a king sized Quilt (double Irish chain design) as my first quilting project…I tend to go big. LOL I used to love making Xmas ornaments, and for a long time my parents and I were hooked on those plaster statues you could buy and paint yourself. Hook rugs, needlepoint and cross-stitch also were things I learned early. There’s something satisfying with starting with a blank piece of material and ending up with something you can say “I made this!”. I can’t honestly say what started my creative wheels rolling, but I’m pretty sure I’ve had it since birth!!! LOL
How does Spirituality play a role in your creative process?
Wow…I don’t know if this makes sense…but I believe it does. Simply because I’ve recently realized that the true key to finding your joy, your path if you will…is simply found by following your passions. My passions (creating) are my spirituality because they bring me joy and a sense of myself-the REAL me. Not the me I’ve presented to the world for over 40 years. It seems to me I’ve heard this all my life “Do what you love and things work out”…but I didn’t fully grasp what that meant. For something so beautifully simple, we tend to over-complicate and make excuses why we don’t have time for our passions. There’s always work to be done, no time for play. The act of doing something for NO REASON OTHER THAN YOUR PLEASURE is something that we need to MAKE time for!!! So, I don’t know if I’ve explained how or why I believe my creative process is directly tied to my spirituality…but I did my best!
My first memory of creating something I was proud of…
The earliest I can think of is my first “real” needlepoint project, one that wasn’t small and easy. It was a basset hound, and the colors of the needlework are 70′s awful: burnt orange, yellow, brown…not that there’s anything wrong with fall colors (I love fall!) but, it’s not something I’d want on my walls today-yet I remember finishing it and being so proud of how good I did.
Now, if I split my life into the ‘before’ and ‘after’ my mid-life crisis and all the wonderful experiences I’ve had since then: I’d have to say seeing my first article ‘published’ on line was something I’ll never forget.
3 words to describe the feeling when creativity is flowing
infinite (no sense of time)
comfortable (for someone who’s never felt they ‘belonged’ ANYWHERE…this is really nice)
Intuitive
What sparks your creativity?
Belly Dancing, Singing, Bubblebaths
These are the times I consider my ‘meditation time’. These are times when I am able to shut down the normal buzzing in my mind and focus on the moment, the right now, and that’s when I get sudden ideas.
What’s been your biggest obstacle?
My biggest obstacle is one the my greatest gifts and even though I see it as such, I also am still ‘dealing’ with it. I was 24 before I opted to stop denying the fact I’d had “inappropriate sexual behavior” (I can’t call it abuse, I just don’t see myself as a victim anymore) with my half brother as a young girl. Because of my extreme distrust of any ‘real’ doctors, I have avoided any professional therapy, opting to figure it out on my own. When my brother was diagnosed with MS, I would be lying if I said there wasn’t a part of me that went “Ha…karma”. But, lucky for both of us, his journey through MS was not a super short one, and I say lucky because it allowed me to come full circle and realize that I am who I am because of everything I’ve experienced, whether you call it ‘bad’ or ‘good’. I didn’t seek forgiveness, I found it…and the surprising thing was it was forgiveness I had to give to myself.
Then I realized I had nothing but respect for my brother and the amazing grace he showed during his battle with MS. I wasn’t comfortable being there, and didn’t have the money to make a trip to California, but I over-nighted a letter to him when it became clear his time was measured in days. I didn’t mention what had happened, but I told him I forgave him all his brotherly mis-deeds. My mother said when he heard my letter read out loud by his wife, it was as if another piece of the puzzle had fallen into place, one less weight on his shoulders. I think he knew what I meant, and I think he knew I meant it.
Belly Dance has been a part of my healing, as I learn to enjoy and appreciate a body I spent most of my life hating. However, I still have not found the right way to talk to my Mom about this, but am certain it will be faced sooner rather than later. If I am to help others face their own guilt/shame over sexual abuses and misdeeds…I have to be willing to be open about it, and I don’t want mom to find out second hand.
How do you deal with self doubt, those annoying voices that tell you when you’re on the creative path that you aren’t very good?
So true, so true!!! I’ve come a long ways, but when I am amazed that an amazing woman such as Laura or Dolphina reach out to me, I know I still carry a little self doubt. Because I’m still a little surprised that people I can look up to can see something in me that they connect to-Who…ME???? I’ve had to try really hard to simply be AWARE of my thoughts and pay attention. When they get negative I try to redirect the thought into a positive.
Do you get google alerts, and if so, do they help your creativity?
I have never used a google alert…so I have to say I’m not sure.
Do you have a Muse or inspiration?
I do love Isis, Bast and many of the Egyptian Gods/Goddess’, which may have helped me be able to connect with what I consider my own Inner Goddess. I would have to say animals are more my creative inspiration over anything else though. I’ve always felt more comfortable with animals than humans!
Are there any recurring motifs in your sleeping dreams? Do they spark your creativity?
Oh man do I have dreams. Weird dreams, strange dreams, realistic dreams…some I remember clearly, others not. I’ve had some recurring ones that are very surreal, like, being on a freeway that is far off the ground and twists and turns, rolling up and down and I never remember where the right exit is.
When my mind is over busy, I have dreams of frustration, trying to do something, figure something out and it’s on the edge of my mind, but I can’t grasp it. I have dreams that sometimes leave me fuzzy minded in the morning, feeling like I’m not sure I’ve really woken up. And, I’ve woken up two different boyfriends by dreams that woke me in gulping, sobbing screams.
Scenario: I’m riding Eli (my first horse who’s now 31) and we’re over in Europe somewhere and it’s in the far past. I’m stopped by official looking men on horseback who take me to a large tent/arena. Inside, it’s sand, but at one end sits a large throne and a man who asks me what my business is here. They had taken my horse upon entering the tent, and I am confused, not sure what I’ve done wrong. I am informed my crime is my name and that my family is not allowed there, and when I explain I wasn’t aware of this they tell me the original ‘crime’ that caused our banishment happened some 200-300 years ago. I’m angered that they would expect me to know this history, and demand to be given my horse back so I can leave. I certainly don’t want to stay there! A man brings a gusset sack and plops it at my feet and my stomach turns in anxiety…I don’t want to know what is in the burlap sack, because somehow I know. I open it, and there is Eli’s head.I woke up sobbing, screaming and I FELT it…it was real, and it took me 15 mintues to calm down from that.
My dreams rarely bring creativity.
How do you promote your work?
So far I’ve only had my writing/work to promote, and I have purposefully avoided self-promotion beyond emailing all my family and friends. I truly want to know if this is my path, for I believe if it is, things will naturally progress on their own. I came to that decision upon reflection one morning when I realized that RIGHT now, if ‘this’ is as good as it gets (working part time at Starbucks, spending my free time belly dancing, singing, playing with my horses, writing, drawing, taking long bubble baths) then I’m completely ok with that. Being 100% satisfied with my life as it is removes any pressure to DO anything about my passions. I decided to simply follow my passions, enjoy them and see what the Universe would provide.
So far it’s provided me with what I hope to be a continuing friendship with Laura (who seems to have been seperated from me at birth with some of the common threads that run through our lives!) and an offer from Dolphina to be her Goddess of the Month. When I decided I was happy with my life if that was as good as it would get, I never dreamed I’d be featured on Dolphina’s website, and I hoped I would eventually meet like minded women through my Examiner page…but I didn’t expect it to be so soon!
Cultural creatives often want to change the world. Do you have a vision of impacting society in a positive way?
I want to use my passion for horses and Belly Dance to connect with women, especially young girls. I want to help empower them with self confidence and self esteem that comes when you work with horses-especially abused/neglected ones. I would love to make a difference in a horses’ life while impacting the life of a woman/girl at the same time. I would love to reach women before life weighs them down, to help spark their own creativity and strengthen their belief that they can ideed do anything that they are passionate about.
Are you earning a living while pursuing your passions?
I thank every Power that resides in the Universe everyday for bringing Doug into my life. For many different reasons, but as far as this question is concerned, he fully supports me and my pursuing my passions. It is because he makes a decent living doing something that comes easily to him (he fixes things…anything and everything…I sometimes joke that he’s even managed to help fix me!) that I can afford to make a low salary at Starbucks and work part time hours to have the time to pursue my passions. I do believe someday I’ll earn some money from my writing and belly dancing. Maybe someday I’ll be able to be paid for helping communicate with peoples’ pets, but more than that my true desire lays in helping.
If I can run a horse rescue and develop a program to pair women/girls with them, I don’t expect to make money at that…but the payment would be the joy and satisfaction of the work itself. I admit, it bothers me when you find people who’ve had amazing experiences and their way of sharing those experiences is by charging you thousands of dollars to come spend a few days with them. I don’t want to get rich through my passions, I just eventually want to quit Starbucks and write, play with my horses & bellydance for a living!
What is your favorite example of irony, as it pertains to your spirituality?
I find it ironic that my beliefs allow me to give others room to express their own spirituality in their own ways, and that I know no one person/group has the answer. Yet, if EVERYONE believed as I do, we wouldn’t spend so much time/money/effort on war and persecution of people for their beliefs being different than that which is generally accepted.
I know that Spirituality is not a one size fits all, but at the same time know that if everyone understood that, we’d be a much happier civilization!!!!
Thanks so much for your very personal, and humorous insights Michelle. Best of luck on your journey as a writer. You go girl!
parents for over a week, knowing they’d be telling me I’d regret it because I couldn’t hide it. I knew the time was right to tell them one late afternoon. They were having some wine, enjoying leisurely preparations for a get-together later at our home. They were in good moods, and I knew they couldn’t dwell on it if they were angry, because they had people coming over.